faceless

sometimes, i wonder what the phrase of be yourself means.

how do you be yourself?

how do i even start to be myself?

sometimes, i wonder whether i am even myself at times.

who Hark Zainal really is.

when you think you know yourself, but at times you surprise yourself with some mess up things you do. and wonder why did you do it.

you have so many masks, and you wear different mask every time you are with a different group.

have your feeling ever feel so messed up you just want to scream and punch everyone but instead play it cool because you don't want to be seen as different?

sometimes, i wonder.

if i ever be myself, will you accept me for who i am?

for who i am as a me, and not who i am, for what i have and what i have achieved.

when was the last time you said "this is me" to someone?

sometimes you act the way you are because you want to blend in. feel normal and not rejected.

have you ever felt like, who am i and where i am?

sometimes, there are some things you want to be but it translated into something different and you are seen as an outcast. different.

sometimes, that is who you are but you never show it before until time went by.

have you ever act as someone different because you want to impress someone and that someone doesn't like it?

sometimes you think one thing and you say another, because you care it might bring different implication. so you pick a safe answer instead.

what the hell do people want? 

what the hell do i want?

bloody hell.

a mother's dream.

masa aku muda dulu, tingkatan 3 barangkali, Mama selalu membicarakan tentang suatu perkara ini apabila perbualan tentang pelajaran dibangkitkan.

"nanti awak pergi lah belajar medik dekat Russia, boleh Mama pergi oversea datang melawat."

lalu aku pun memilih untuk mengambil jurusan biologi ketika di tingkatan 4, dengan harapan suatu hari nanti boleh lah jadi doktor, lalu berapa tahun kemudian jadi specialist, lantas kaya-raya selepas merawat orang yang makin sakit di dunia ini.

rancangan dia bunyi memang lah menarik, cuma lepas beberapa eksperimen biologi baru lah aku sedar, aku takut nak bedah katak. apa entah lagi nak bedah orang. pemikiran aku nak bukak orang dan buat rawatan tu suatu mimpi ngeri buat aku yang tidak mempunyai keberanian sebegitu.

tapi perkara yang menarik buat aku adalah, aku sukakan subjek biologi serta bencikan kimia. perkara sebegini sangat lah ironi kerana akar tunjang biologi adalah kimia. haha. 

akhirnya termakan dek cerita Ayah yang merupakan peminat bidang kejuruteraan, lantas aku mengambil jurusan elektrik, kerana bunyinya sangat lah menarik serta pilihan popular di Malaysia. kenapa ia popular, aku pun tidak lah mengetahuinya. pada hari ini aku agak sedikit kesal dengan pilihan tersebut karena aku ingin menyambung jurusan komputer (yaa agak lol disini)

nak dijadikan cerita beberapa tahun kemudian, aku sudah pun berada di UK, lari sedikit dari Russia namun lari jauh dari bidang medik. namun begitu aku tetap bersyukur dengan doa berkat Mama dan Ayah aku berjaya menjejakkan kaki di bumi orang untuk melayari pengalaman yang dulu aku hanya boleh lihat dari skrin komputer dan aplikasi facebook.

cuma semakin ironi apabila Ayah pun kurang sihat, maka proses untuk Mama dan Ayah melawat itu terpaksa ditangguhkan. aku hanya boleh doa dan membayangkan sahaja bagaimana mereka semua di rumah. aku memang jarang membicarakan perkara sebegini, tapi memang aku risau tentang mereka di rumah.

apa-apa pun, aku berharap Mama dan Ayah boleh datang melawat secepat mungkin sebab anak anda ni teringin nak makan masakan Mama. wuuuu. dah separuh jalan dah belajar ni, tinggal separuh lagi nak habis. Mama kata nak datang masa raya, tolong lah datang, sebab teringin lodeh hahaha.

terima kasih pasal Mama dan Ayah selalu bagi sokongan, selalu doakan haq berjaya dan risaukan haq. semua emas kalau kumpul pun tak boleh bayar balik apa Mama dan Ayah buat untuk haq. 

but know this, all i ever wanted is to make you guys proud. i miss you both.

the Kingdom.

the last time i had a dream of going to the UK was 5 years ago. it was 2009. i've just graduated from UTM KL and was wandering around Mid Valley Exhibition Centre during the UK Education Expo. armed with just a sad CGPA and no clue about electrical (which was the course i took during Diploma) i set out to find an opportunity which i can exploit to ensure i will be boarding an airplane to the Her Majesty's Kingdom. 

the dream of living in the UK has always been alluring and enchanting. growing up reading Sherlock Holmes and Harry Potter, definitely elevate the feelings of wanting to be there, where all the magic happens (and Privet Drive address in the book is in Surrey!)

i met with few UK Uni representative and found out that Hertfordshire has a course that suit to what i wanted to study, eventually. MEng. in Telecommunications Engineering, a degree that what i thought will eventually push me further up to the technical world's ladder. and reality came tumbling after i did some financial calculations, i finally found out there is no way i could manage to fund myself during the 3 year period.

well dreams don't always come true, and that was my sad case. but i don't mind really, sometimes fate takes you where you want to go (and where you don't want to), and you can always work hard for it. 

anyways what happens next was, i worked for a year or so and enrolled into UniKL British Malaysian Institute for my degree. during those years, i never did forget to pray that God will grant my wish to study in the UK. it was something i carry throughout my entire working and degree days.

anyways fast forward, 5 years in 2014. finally i am here in the realm of The Queen. the road was long and hard, i have to say. lots of thing i have sacrificed to be here and so many things happened along the way.

money was out of the question, it flows like the river.
time, i have sacrificed lots of time with my family to do some work and being away lots of time.
energy, meh. lots of sleepless nights.
Dad was sick on a few occasion and i have to be away. that was the saddest part.
and trust me, there was loads of hardships and rejection along the way till sometimes you just lose hope in humanity. and why it has to happen to me.

but i kept on going because there was nothing really for me to hold on what is real, i guess. at this point of my life, i don't even know what is real anymore (emotional teen alert)

but i have always believed that dreams and possibility are endless. you see what you perceived. if you see it on a negative point-of-view, and it will always stays that way. if you see it from a positive side, it will always be that way. and God was kind enough to lend me a positive heart and mind.

i also was fortunate enough to meet loads of great and inspirational people along the way that helped me and i can't thank them enough for what they had done to help me. from BMI-MARA-Harel and those i met you in any way.

currently i am in University of Surrey library, writing this. only if you believe and work hard, i guess anything is possible.

good things don't always happen to people like me, but i guess it would be fair for you guys to know that i finally made my dream came true.

and you should start working on yours too.

choices.

"..time, as we know it, is a dimension we experience only in one direction. but what if one of the additional dimension wasnt spacial, but temporal?  

if you mix the mash potatoes and sauce, you cant separate them later, it's forever. the smoke comes from daddy's cigarette but it never goes back in. we cannot go back, that's why its hard to choose. 

you have to make the right choice. as long as you dont choose, everything remains possible." -Nemo Nobody

 this is one of my favourite quotes from the movie Mr Nobody, starring Jared Leto. it talks about life and possibilities. where no path is the wrong one, but choices we make today, can greatly affect our future. 

so how do you define a bad choice? truth is, we make choices every single minute. even writing this post, is a choice.

i had my share of choices. 7 years ago, i made my choice to screw Biology (got a B) and set my ways into engineering, the last thing i want to go to since i was a kid. i think machinery and mathematics sucks (except for PlayStation). and looking back, it made me what i am today, a networking student (computer networking for you) and i love every part of it. even sometimes it frustrates me having to calculate every possibility, but the satisfaction when everything is up and running greatly. you know that feeling when you are not sure what you want to study, but you study anyways since everyone is doing it? no longer feeling it.

"...what if i went studying earlier, and i didn't went to work for a year? would i be in UK for my masters right now? and would i meet all these incredible friends in BMI? if i took up UiTM offer, would i have meet all these GEL members?"

its easy to say, "dah ditakdirkan hidup kita begini.." but i always constantly thinking about these What Ifs. would i be in a better position if i took the other road, let's say. like the quote before, time is a concept where it goes one way and does not come back, that is why these thoughts haunt me.

time travelling seems tempting when you made a choice you did not want to. i would not want to call it as a mistake, because mistakes are just a concept. losing something, losing someone precious, we want to go back in time and redo everything so we won't lost anything something we love so dearly. but life is a learning process and one can't learn when he has not lost anything.

talking about someone we love, we also had the choices not to know someone, but we meet he or she instead and we finally love them, but in the end, we lost them. its a choice. we have the choice not to love them, but we did. why it is so hard to choose not to love? because emotion clouds our judgement. and thus the question, why we were fated to meet them. so why we were fated to meet them again? because what is left is just misery and sorrow.

but that is how we learn. we learn not to repeat the same actions and choices. we learn to know who appreciates us and we learn to appreciate them. we learn to make the best choices (at the time) and we strive for success with our choices. when we fail to achieve our choice's objective, stand up straight and pick another road. 

to be independent, to be love, to love, to buy, to eat, to sleep, to drink, to be a racist, to be intelligent, to pray, to watch TV, to write a blogpost, to rant on twitter, to share, to start over whenever point in our life, IT IS ALL ABOUT CHOICES.

i always open up to the concept of possibilities. where we can do whatever we want, as long as we want to. at this age, most of my friends are getting married, having kids. but for me life is a possibility to be explored, how far can i go, or where will i end up going places before settling down. or maybe this is an excuse for not having a girlfriend. who knows....

somewhat 4 years ago.

currently i am cleaning up my Facebook page that's filled with unnecessary stuff. people change, and we just gotta keep moving on. don't ask.

so, while deleting old embarrassing stuff that i rather forget, i bump into the note that i wrote like 4 years ago. what's interesting about this note is, its in full Bahasa Malaysia and i am impressed (still am) with my words choice. so, i'll be copy pasting it here for you to read.

mind you, i was an angry kid back then. no judgement please.

According to the person who tagged me, we need to answer this in full Bahasa Melayu. So, this is it! :P

1. Bekas kekasih saya adalah :

--- nasha aziz.

2. Saya sedang mendengar :

--- lagu 'pergi' nyanyian aizat..baru dimuat turun..

3. Mungkin saya patut:

--- memulihkan diri saya dari mengalami kecelaruan hidup..dan tidak terlalu berfikir banyak...

4. Saya suka :

--- hidup saya yang sibuk kerana saya lebih fokus...walaupun begitu sesetengah faktor menyebabkan saya dilemma...

5.Sahabat-sahabat baik saya :

--- semuanya seringkali memberikan perangsang untuk saya tidak terus jatuh dalam menjalani hidup..

6.Saya tak paham :

--- mengapa usaha saya selama ini langsung tidak dihargai dan tidak dipandang..

7.Saya kehilangan :

--- keyakinan untuk mendekati golongan yang bernama wanita..

8.Ramai yang berkata :

--- saya seorang yang hebat...saya hanya lah golongan kebanyakan...

9.Makna nama saya :

--- cahaya kebenaran..saya cuba membawa nama tersebut sebaik mungkin...

10.Cinta itu adalah :

--- perkara yang membina sebuah tugu yang bernama taj mahal serta menjadikan romeo dan juliet membunuh diri..

11.Di suatu tempat, seseorang sedang :

--- tidak mengambil peduli tentang hati dan perasaan seorang lelaki..

12.Saya akan cuba :

--- untuk tidak marah kepada semua setiap kali saya mengamuk..maaf buat semua..

Ayat SELAMANYA membawa maksud :

--- dari kini hingga ke akhirnya...

14.Telefon bimbit saya :

--- tidak akan berbunyi sekiranya saya tidak menghantar mesej kepada sesiapa..dan akan mendapat panggilan yang banyak ketika program..terutamanya apabila saya terlewat bangun...

15.Bila saya terjaga dari tidur :

--- saya akan merasa bahawa kehidupan saya sangat menyedihkan..dan buat seperti biasa selepas 15minit..

16.Saya paling meluat apabila :

--- seseorang mengutuk atau mengkritik kelab saya tanpa sebab.

17.Pesta/Parti adalah :

--- tempat bersosial dan melepaskan tekanan...

18.Haiwan yang paling comel yang saya pernah temui ialah :

--- seekor kucing bernama Newt..kerana ia adalah satu-satunya yang saya anggap sebagai anak saya..malangnya ia sudah tiada lagi.. :(

19.Peringkat umur yang paling menyeronokkan bagi saya ialah :

--- 16..kerana fikiran hanya memikirkan bagaimana hendak berseronok :)

20.Hari ini :

--- saya meletus secara professional kerana saya berada di masa dan ruang yang salah dan menyebabkan saya menulis nota ini untuk meluahkan perasaan (T_T)

21.Malam ini saya akan :

--- menenangkan fikiran dan mencari perkataan-perkataan untuk menjelaskan perkara semalam kepada "gadis k1"..

22.Esok pula saya akan :

--- menjadi lebih professional dan memeriksa adakah nama saya berada dalam senarai ahli jawatankuasa minggu haluan siswa...

23.Saya betul-betul inginkan :

--- berjumpa dengan rakan-rakan dari sekolah rendah dan pergi ke sekolah rendah...saya rindukan sekolah rendah yang amat sangat...

24.Ketika anda lihat wajah anda di hadapan cermin pagi ini :

--- muka yang tidak berperasaan mungkin kerana mengantuk tetapi rambut tetap tegak :)

25.Pusat membeli-belah atau arked permainan :

--- membeli belah...saya bukan seorang pemain permainan arked yang baik..

26.Makanan Barat atau Jepun :

--- saya akan makan keduanya..orang tamak selalu kenyang..

27.Bilik yang terang atau gelap :

--- bilik yang gelap...senang untuk berfikir...

28.Makanan segera adalah :

--- makanan yang tidak perlu ditunggu begitu lama sehingga air diminum sehingga setengah gelas...

29.Ayat terakhir yang anda katakan pada seseorang

--- "maaf manap tak kejut..aku lupa yang kau pun nak pergi temerloh.."

30.Siapa yang anda nak Tag?

--- peminat-peminat saya :)

p/s : luahan hati seorang lelaki yang baru sahaja terkesima :-|

and reading this, i can't remember i just had the terkesima moment. but past is real and there is always a scar to prove it.

i bought a notebook.

yesterday i went to The Mines. sadly to say nowadays i have this compulsion to eat whatever my mind came across to. so yesterday, i thought of eating sushi. so me and Eid did.

its been few weeks i kept thinking about starting to write, since i have to send an article before 26th of June. but sadly i have no idea what to write. something that is actually serious and meaningful. i can spew whole bunch of socially unacceptable writings but to create something that captures reader is quite hard.

so ive watched few journals video, how to write one, how to keep one and so on.. and thus i think, i need a book. one i can carry anywhere and write. and its ironic to think that i need a book since i own a Note II. but putting that aside, im a bibliophile. there, i said it. a notebookphile specifically. a cool design notebook always captures my eyes. especially the blank one without any lines.

so, im thinking of buying a Moleskine. since that is like the ultimate notebook money can buy (i think) so i thought of selling my kidneys off. but the situation of my financial wont allow me. so..... i wont buy one. not for now.

but, i finally got one notebook yesterday for sketching my ideas about what im going to write for MARA articles. and please somebody, anybody suggest me on what to write! and teach me!